


Heartbeat

by Lisa94



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bromance / Romance, Can be read as Larry, Fluff, Hospital, Illness, Louis is sick, Oneshot, Tour, cancer fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 04:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2928356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisa94/pseuds/Lisa94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was the last one to leave the stage and followed the others stumbling back to the dressing room. My ears roared and the applause and the loud screeching of our fans became a fading noise in the backround.I was breathing fast and yet it didn´t seem to be enough. The oxygen didn´t seemed to arrive in my lungs. My heart was beating against my chest and pumping like crazy. With one hand I felt my way along the wall, hoping to arrive soon in the dressing room to sit down. A sharp pain went trough my chest and I had to take a moment to lean against the wall, waiting with closed eyes until the pain subsided. I couldn´t tell what was happening around me. Crew members ran back and forth, started to pack up and had no eyes or time for me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey :)
> 
> This is actually the first thing I´ve written in english. So don´t be too hard on me when it comes to grammar. Hope you enjoy!

I was the last one to leave the stage and followed the others stumbling back to the dressing room. My ears roared and the applause and the loud screeching of our fans became a fading noise in the backround.I was breathing fast and yet it didn´t seem to be enough. The oxygen didn´t seemed to arrive in my lungs. My heart was beating against my chest and pumping like crazy. With one hand I felt my way along the wall, hoping to arrive soon in the dressing room to sit down. A sharp pain went trough my chest and I had to take a moment to lean against the wall, waiting with closed eyes until the pain subsided. I couldn´t tell what was happening around me. Crew members ran back and forth, started to pack up and had no eyes or time for me.

When at least the pain in my chest went away a bit I went with shaky legs back on the road. I knew it was a mistake not to tell anyone how bad I was feeling the last few weeks. I was out of breath if I just walked up the stairs to our apartment. But I didn´t want to let it get me. I didn´t want to cancel the tour. But I knew that I couldn´t do that every night. Not when I was feeling that way. My view was increasingly blurred and I stumbled into the room in which my bandmates already sat. Breathing heavily I leand against the cool wall and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. The chest pain returned, this time frantically and worse than the last. With one hand I held my aching chest, with the other I was looking for content. My legs were useless. The noise in my ears grew louder.

"Louis!" many voices called out my name but I couldn´t place them. They were too quiet. The noise drowned out everything. I looked only dimly as I opened my eyes and looked panicked back and forth. I couldn´t breath. The oxygen didn´t arrive in my lungs. Colorful spots were storing at me.

"louis!" The voices grew quieter and quieter. I wanted to answer. But I couldn´t find the words. Am I dying? I was sure that I´m going to die. I still tried panicked to get air. My content seeking hand reached only air. There was nothing. And my knees were getting softer. With one last violent cramp in my chest I felt the ground coming closer and I lost myself in darkness.

 

*

  
I had known that something wasn´t right. Louis had become silent in the last weeks. It took him longer for some tasks, and he was more tired faster than before. After he had taken refuge after another night on the fifth night from the bed and came back after an hour, even I hadn´t believed him that he had to use the toilet. Something wasn´t right. That I hadn´t spoken to him about it bothered me the most at the moment. I had know that Louis wouldn´t have gone to see a doctor by himself. But now he collapsed infront of our eyes, was no longer responsive and now in the hospital. I should have said something. I should have draged him to see a doctor. I should have noted it earlier. Exhausted I ran my hands over my face and gave a dejected moan from me.

"Harry, I´m sure nothing bad happened." I wanted to believe Liam but he couldn´t know. Tired I leaned my head against the wall and slid deeper into the uncomfortable plastic chair that stood in the waiting area of the hospital. When the ambulance had picked up Louis at the concert hall, he had been brought right to the hospital. Since then the doctors were with him and we weren´t allowed in, nor could anyone give us some information about Louis' being. It was after midnight and the hospital became quiet.

"I need a smoke." Muttered Zayn and disappeared from the hallway. Would I smoke I would´ve smoked some away until now. But as it was I was with my worries quite alone. We were waiting for an hour. If it was nothing bad, as Liam said, then the doctors would´ve been done by now. We would know by now what was wrong, right? I hoped he was okay. I wasn´t ready to lose him.

"Louis Tomlinson?" Called one of the doctors who had expected the ambulance. Immediately my head shot up. The doctor noticed us, no one else sat here anyways, and came to us. Tired, he shoved his hands into his coat and stood in front of us. O-oh. This face seemed to promise bad news. I felt panic rise in me.

"I´m getting Zayn." Niall got up and looked for Zayn.

"That was really a close case. Mr. Tomlinson had a minimal heart attack and fainted. When he arrived his heart was very weak. But we could get it under control. As it stands Mr. Tomlinson suffers on a viral cadiomyopathy. That means his heart is no longer able to pump enough blood through his body. We will keep him here for some investigation to find a good treatment. He´s awake now, you can see him. But please not all at once."

Liam patted my shoulder.

"Go on. I´m waiting for Niall and Zayn and tell them." I wanted to go. I wanted to see Louis. I wanted to convince myself that he was okay. But I couldn´t. Louis had heart problems. And if the heart stops working ...

"Shall I show you the room?" The doctor asked sympathetically. I just nodded and got up like I was in trance.

*

  
My heart wasn´t okay. It´s the reason that can´t really do anything for the last weeks. And when the heart isn´t okay, death isn´t far away. Couldn´t I just have died in that warderobe instead of the slowly dying in this hospital and just hoping that it won´t hurt too much? I wasn´t ready for it! What would happen to my parents? My sisters, the band ... I don´t wanna die! Dr. Menlder only told me that my heart is too weak to pumb blood through my body and then left. That doesn´t help me to calm down! At least I can breath since the nurses designed me a hose to carry oxygen to me through my nose.

Exhausted I closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep. But who was I kidding. Hospitals triggered panic attacks in me. Just the thought that someone dies next room makes me wish to get out of here as soon as possible. But I´m pretty sure my legs wouldn´t hold me. I felt like no stength was left. My chest still hurts like hell but it wasn´t as strong as the pain before I collapsed. My eyelids were heavy and I really wanted to just give in and sleep. But the beeping of the machines next to my bed that controlled my heartbeat, penetrated loudly in my ears and reinforced the headaches that plagued me since I woke up. In short -- I felt like crap.

My roomdoor opened slowly and as I waited for the doctor I opened my eyes only half-heartly. But it wasn´t Dr. Mendler but Harry who hesitantly entered the room. I forced my eyes to open completely and to position myself a little differently to see him better. But it wasn´t so simple. First, I had absolutely no strength left and secondly infusions, hoses and cables restricted my movement.

"Hey" I smiled weakly. God even my voice sounded weak. Once Harry had taken in the whole picture his eyes showed concern. Hesitantly he remained at the end of my bed stand and seemed to close to tears as he stood there and played with his fingers. He looked so young and fragile as he stood there and didn´t know what to do.

"It´s okay Harry. Come here." With a few steps he was with me and broke down in sobs on my shoulder. Careful to not rip out my IV port I put my arm around him and troked his back soothingly. But he just clung harder to my hospital gown and buried his head deeper into my neck. To hear how done Harry was drove tears to my eyes. I put my head on his and pulled him closer to me until he was lying on the small hospital bed next to me.

"I thought you were dead." Harry sobbed.

No, not yet...

*

I couldn´t bear to see Louis like this. Fragile and pale. With cables, hoses and infusions that I didn´t even know where they led to and what purpoe they had. When I calmed down halfway eventually I had fallen asleep next to Louis. This morning he asked me to call his parents, also his doctors wanted to talk to them. I left the room and sent the other three in, who had slept in the waiting area. I had completely forgotten that they were waiting to be called in. After my phone call with Jay I sit down at the wall of the hospital and breathed in the cool air. We wouldn´t know in which condition Louis really was in until his parents were here and talked to the doctor.

If he really fainted because the show was too much we would have to cancel the tour. If you listened closely you also would notice that as he sang had difficulties to breath properly. We have to everything. The track ... the next concerts had to be canceled. Simon had to know. He knew what to do. And if we would take a break. Louis' halth was our number one priority for now. I scrolled through my contacts and hit 'Simon'.

"What´s up Harry?" he asked cheerfully.

"It´s about Louis." I said wearily. I felt tired since I woke up.

"What about Louis?"

"He´s in hospital. Yesterday after the concert he couldn´t breath right and fainted. The doctor says he had a heart attack. Apparently his heart is too weak to pump blood through the body. I don´t know anything precise. The doctor will tell more when his parents are here. Currently he is examined." Simon remained silent for a while and I looked at my phone to see if he was still there.

"Simon?"

"Yes. I´m really sorry. Say Louis my wishes. I´ll think about what to do about your tour. For the next week we cancel all dates for now. Call me when you know more please."

"I will. Thank you."

*

When I came back to Louis' room Jay and the girls were already there. Jay had taken the place next to the bed, holding the hand of her son. Zayn and Niall sat on the small sofa each of them had one of the twins on their lap. Liam, Lottie and Fizzy sat on chairs at the wall. Dr. Mendler looked through Louis' medical records.

"Okay Louis As I have already told you you suffer from viral cardiomyophaty, what means your heart can´t pump enough blood through your body. To make it easier for your heart you get medication." Dr. Mendler pointed to the infusions. "One Beta Blocker and one ACE inhibitors. That should help you. Your blood pressure won´t shoot up so high and you won´t be out of breath so fast. Nevertheless you need to step back. You are suffering from heart failure already. Currently still in second stage. But if you go on as before you are quickly in the fourth and then it becomes dangerous. If you don´t get a donor heart then..." He left the sentence hanging but we all knew what would happen. Louis bit his lower lip and looked at the bedspread. I knew he was fighting back his tears.

"Lou I called Simon. We have next week off and he is looking through our dates so that your plan isn´t as stressful. We can do it. We´re in this together." I took a quick look at Zayn, Niall and Liam all nodded vigorously. Louis looked at me with watery eyes.

"I don´t want to die." He said so softly that I could barely hear him. A tear worked its way down his cheek. I quickly wiped it away, gave him a kiss on the cheek and pulled him into my arms.

"You won´t die."

*

"The medications are in the cupboard above the sink and the note with the details about how much you need to take when in on the fridge." I explained as I went back into the living room where Louis was sitting on the couch on which I banished him. The medication seemed to have its effects. Since he took it and was discharged from the hospital he jumped around again much as he did before. Completely forgot was the doctors advice. Since I had forced him to stay on the couch I only got dirty looks and his mood sank steadily.

"Yeah great. Everyone who comes to visit us now sees that I´m sick." he grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Not true! They only see that we are interested in pills. Nobody knows that one of us is sick." Louis gave me a 'are-you-serious?' Look. Better that than the evil one.

"Great. They think we´re addicted to drugs."

"Hey where is my optimistic Lou?" I asked encouragingly and poked him a few times with my index finger in the side.

"How should I be optimistic when I die." Louis' voice broke through the end. I knew that he was close to tears. I put an arm around him and he laid his head on my shoulder.

"Because you won´t die. When you finally listen to the doctor and stop running around like crazy nothing will happen." I sealed my word with a gentle kiss on his hair.

  
*

I had spent the last month trying to live after Harry´s rule of 'being optimistic'. And I think I suceeded. Whenever someone spoke to me I had a smile on my lips. I did what I was allowed to do. I took with a satisfied expression three times a day my pills and whenever fans or reporters asked me after my hospital stay I told them happily that they don´t have to worry. What no one knew - I was suffering.

At the beginning my medication helped really well. But now I was out of breath when I walked up the stairs with shopping bags. Or we walked from the car to an interview and had to hurry. Most of the time I told the others that I had to use the loo to secretly get my breath back on track. At night I lay awake and often couldn´t breath freely. As it was this night. But also I heard the noise in my ears that I last heard when I was close to my heart attack and I panicked.

I grabbed Harry´s shoulder who was sleeping next to me and shook him. Come on wake up! The noise grew louder and because of my panic my heart started to beat really fast. Oh God. How much heart attacks can one heart take ?!

"Harry! Wake up! Please!" He mumbled something and turnd to his other side. Tears of fear fell down my cheek. I will not die! And especially not alone! I shake firmly his shoulder.

"Harry! Help me." I cried and wiped my tears with my free hand. He slowly opened his eyes but when he saw me crying in front of him he sat up in bed.

"Lou what´s going on?"

"I-I ca-can´t-" I trailed off because I couldn´t breathe.

"Breathe? Shit Louis sit up!" Shakly I tried to do what he said but my strenght seemed to have disappeared. Harry noticed it and pushed one leg behind me so that I sat up and leaned against his chest.

"Sh...you have to breathe. Calm down. It´s okay. Concentrate to breathe." He whispered in my ear again and again. Shaky I breathed in and out. My tears continued to run.

Inhale. Exhale.

"Sh..everything´s okay."

Inhale. Exhale.

The noise subsided and I felt my pulse slowing down.

Inhale. Exhale.

My heartbeat returned to normal.

Inhale. Exhale.

"Better?" I just nodded and leaned exhausted further into Harry´s chest.

"I think - I think it´s gotten worse." I mumbled sleepily.

  
*

  
We all sat in Simon´s office. Not all. Harry had said that Louis got worse and that they couldn´t come. What was worse? Was he on the verge of fainting again? Or was he just limp? I couldn´t concentrate on the meeting. My thoughts were with Louis. I would have never expected that one of us would be ill like that. And then also Louis who was usually so full of life. He tried to keep the facade upright but he became weaker. We all could see that. The night we learned about his condition I cried myself to sleep. I couldn´t lose any of the guys. Not so early. And not in this way. I felt again the lump in my throat when I just thought about it. That Louis could die. My phone immerse me from my thoughts. Simon was sitting in front of us and told as something but looked at me disapprovingly. I gave him an apologetic smile and pulled out my cell phone to see who called me.

'Harry'

"Sorry, it´s Harry." I answered the call immediately.

"Ni? Are you still with Simon?" Harry asked. He sounded tired and exhausted.

"Yes. You still coming?"

"No. Put me on speaker I need to talk to all of you." Okay that sounded bad. So more than just a little dizzy spell of Louis.

"Hey Harry." Greeted the other three quietly as I had pressed the speaker button.

"Hey .. we were just at the hospital. Louis woke up last night crying because he couldn´t breathe properly. It was as if he had no more strength. Even for sitting up he needed help. I wanted to clarify that. Dr. Mendler says he is in the next stage. Now it´s the third...I don´t know what to do. Either we all go on break or we just pull Louis out. But he can´t walk around all day..he doesn´t have the strength and his heart is to weak for it." From all that Harry just said got two words stuck.

Next Stage. That meant there is only one more before he needs a donor heart. The lump in my throat reappeared.

"How is Louis doing?" Zayn asked.

"Not good. He´s crying since we came here. I don´t know how often I had to promise him that none of us would forget him if he dies. How often he told me he loved us. He exhausted himself and is asleep now."

If we could ever forget Louis ...

*

Months went by where I had to radically change my life completely. With the new stage reached more daily medications were added. In addition I could only eat healthy. Out of loyalty the other guys did it too. They all ate vegetables with me and walked purposefully past every fast food restaurant. My life was on the sofa or in bed. I didn´t had a lot of energy left. Even minor tasks such as flushing were attache with hours of rest. I felt bad because Harry took over all the tasks in our apartment because I couldn´t do it anymore. But whenever - mostly in tears - apologized to him for it he assured me that its nothing and its only important that I´m okay.

The energy that I did have was used for crying. Because of everything. Because I had no strength. Because I could no longer sing. Because my heart wasn´t working right. Because I couldn´t do what I loved. Because I was confined to bed or sofa. Because I was dying.

Simon was over a few days earlier. He said it was best if I would go home for a few weeks. I could really relax there, far away from the fans. And that is where I´m going now. Back to doncaster. I sat exhausted on the sofa while Harry was in our bedroom and packed my stuff. I could start to cry again purely out of frustration with the whole situation. But I have done everything what the doctor told me. I stept back. Never missed a dose. Rested immediately if I had noticed that my heart started to beat faster than normal and stopped singing.

And yet it was worse.

"Ready?" Harry asked, who was standing with my bag next to me. I gave him a weak smile and nodded. As we walked to his car I leaned more into him than carrying my own weight. With one hand around my waist he supported me. This constant weakness frustrated me incredibly. We arrived without problems at the car but where greeting with paparazzi once we drove out the exit. We hadn´t made a public statement why I didn´t sing anymore and why I was nowhere to be found. But after the pictures our management would have to think of someting. I avoided mirrors but I knew I looked terrible. I had lost weight, I was pale and had huge dark bags under my eyes. Everyone would see that I was sick.

The ride was silent. I didn´t know how I should feel. The fear that I might die suddenly wont stop no matter how many times Harry, Liam, Zayn and Niall told be I wouldn´t die. I didn´t want to die without my family. But I also didn´t want to die without my second family. I needed the boys as well. But I couldn´t have both. When Harry finally stopped in front of my parent´s house neither of us made a move to leave the car. What if this is the last time I see him? Just the thought made me cry.

"Lou, this isn´t final farewell. You here to relax. And when something´s wrong you call. Once out what´s wrong with you and everything has calmed down a bit you can come back. Hey! Stop crying."

I hoped that he was right. And yet I clawed me in his shirt and wouldn´t let go. It could be the last time ...

*

A few weeks turned into months and I was back in London. In hospital. The symptoms had become worse and my Doctor in Doncaster had send me straight to Dr. Mendler. A year after my first diagnosis it happened. I was in the fourth stage and would probably never leave this hospital. The nurse had just put the IV in my hand when the door opened and showed four panicked faces.

"Hey" I smiled a genuine smile but that was all I could do. Breathing hurt no matter what I did. Talking was hard for me because there wasn´t enough air in my lungs. I didn´t even had to start how I couldn´t run. I was a useless body. But I was okay with it.

"Oh God. I thought something bad happened." relieved Zayn stept further into the room and sat down on one of the chairs.

"I need a new heart. Is that bad enough for you?" I asked. The nurse pushed down my hospital gown to attach the electronics for the ECG on my chest. Zayn looked at me with wide eyes. Niall seemed to be close to tears. Liam looked shocked and Harry just seemed to wait for me to break down. But I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Is that better with the oxygen?" asked the nurse who has now fixed the well known hose under my nose. I smiled and nodded and the nurse left the room. I knew that I looked worse than the last time the boys had seen me. And I couldn´t blame them for giving me pitying and frighten looks.

"Louis, seriously. How are you?" Liam asked.

"I can´t breath properly, my chest is incredibly hurting, I need a heelchair to get anywhere and I need a new heart." Harry was still waiting for my break down.

"I won´t break down, Harry!"

I had accepted that I would probably won´t live until my 23rd birthday. Not that my 22nd was great. I had spent in pain in bed.   
I had accepted that my heart couldn´t keep me alive.  
I had accepted that I would never have a family.  
I had accepted that I would never have grandchildren.  
I had accepted that I would see my sisters standing at the altar.  
I had accepted that I would never hold my nieces and nephews in my arms.  
I had accepted that I couldn´t sing anymore.  
I had accepted that I would leave everyone I loved behind.  
I had accepted that I would be forgotten.  
I had accepted that I would die.

And I didn´t care ....

  
*

I spent weeks at the hospital. Boring weeks with the same daily routine. The nurses checking on e in the morning, breakfast (which tasted horrible), Dr. Mendler came and made his rounds, I had visitors, new medication, more tests, lunch (not much better than breakfast) and then waiting for dinner which tasted similar. I would only be released if I had a new heart and Dr. Mendler said that would take time.

Bored, I flipped through a sport magazine that Zayn had brought me. It was something I actually still had the strength for. In the last days that I stayed in bed I had the feeling that the pain got worse. I had accepted my illness - yes. But that didn´t assuage the pain. Despite the pain medication, regular medication and oxygen hose, breathing still hurts.

"Hey Lou." Harry was smiling when he came into the room and pulled a chair next to my bed.

"I´ve brought you something." He held out one of the coffee-to-go cup, the label of my favourite tea visible.

"Oh thank you!" My favourite tea was one of the things I couldn´t get at the hospital. I slammed the magazine shut and took a sip of my tea. With relish I closed my eyes as the hot liquid runs down my throat.

"Lou, I´m still waiting for your breakdown. I know you said you won´t!" He added quickly as I wanted to say something. "But how can this not matter to you? You were so scared and now you´re just waiting for it to be over as it was nothing. Why?"

"Harry, I don´t want to fight anymore. I used so much power to be afraid and imagine what could happen to me. I´ve made one year. I guess the closer I got to the end the easier I can accept it you know. The chance isn´t that high that I get a new heart, Haz. We shouldn´t hold on to something that might never happen."

I was serious. I wanted that they would just accept it. Accept that I perhaps won´t be here for that much longer. I don´t them to mourn after me too long. Harry seemed to see things differently. He wouldn´t admit that I could´ve actually die. You could see it in his eyes. He seemed to struggle with himself wether he should do what I see or held fast to his own statemant.

It took him until my tea was empty to decide.

"Okay, Lou. Get out of bed. I´ll show you something." Enthusiastically he jumped up and got the wheelchair out of the corner where it had been standing since I came into hospital. I knew that I was too weak to walk but to be driven in a wheelchair was too humiliating. Incedulous, I looked at Harry.

"Yes, come on! It´s dark outside and I know where we´ll have a great view over the city." Harry would stick to his plan.

"And what is with all of this? Do you want to kill me?!"

"You just told me you don´t care anymore. C´mon Louis! You can´t tell me you want to spend your last days in a hospital bed." Hesitantly I nodded and Harry took the infusion in my hand under inspection.

"Okay we´ll take that with us. But these have to go." He pointed to the electrons on my chest and pulled gently on one.

"Harry!" I hissed. "That hurts like hell! Just do it quick!" Harry looked apologetically at me and then pulled quickly one all six electrons and just let them lie on my pillow.

"And now sit down."

*

I wouldn´t put up with the fact that Louis was ready to die. If he had lost his will to live, someone else had to have it for him. The day I would give up would be the day of his funeral. Satisfied with me and my idea I pushed Louis through the empty corridors. Infusion bag and oxygen machine rolled along beside us. We don´t need to take to high risks. In the last weeks that Louis had spent in the Hospital I had found some quiet placed found to relax. And one I liked the most. The roof.

"Harry, are you sure we should be here?" Asked Louis as I pushed him out of the elevator and to the edge of the roof.

"I wasn´t stopped so far." A small wall was here. I helped Louis out of the wheelchair and made sure the infusion and oxygen apparatus were still attached correctly before I sat down and pulled him onto my lap. I wrapped the blanket I had brought along around both of us. From here you could see the night lights of London.

"You´ve become so thin." I whispered as I moved him closer to me. I didn´t want him to freeze up here.

"Well, I´m sick."

"You know that we won´t forget you, right? If you´re right and die soon, we won´t forget you. We will remember how we all stood on stage the first time and became a band. How we all got to know each other. We will remember how cheerful you are and how full of live you are. How lovingly you deal with your family and our fans. We will remember each time we sang together. Your unique voice that wakes us up every morning. We will remember your jokes and pranks. Your cooking experiments and the whole charrot thing. We will remember all the fun we had and our lazy movie nights. And whenever we miss you too much we´ll watch all those amazing fanvideos on youtube.

Your family won´t forget you Louis. You will always be their big brother that has done everything to make his sisters happy. The one that had always time for them, no matter where you´ve been at the time. Your parents will remember you as a wonderful son.

But above all we will remember how fucking brave you were since your diagnosis. Are! And how much we love you. How much I love you." So often I had to assured him that we would never forget him. But now that he was ready to die I wanted to tell him exactly why we wouldn´t forget him.

"But if you´re wrong and you get that heart and live for many, many years we will make so many memories together. You´ll be back on stage with us. You´ll give interviews again. You will have your strenght back and be able to do what you love so much. And we will all watch and be proud because you made it. I think you can do it, Lou."

This time I didn´t bother to wipe away his tears. They ran down my own cheeks as well ...

  
*

"Hey Lou!" In a good mood came Niall in my room, a large moving box in his hands. He was followed by Liam, Zayn and Harry all of them also carying moving boxes. I looked confused at my friends.

"Moving in?" I asked what sounded weaker than expected. But my strength dwindled more and more. Niall shook his head, grinning and opened his box.

"This is your fan mail. Most of them are get-better greetings. We thought that you maybe want to read them." And with that said he emptied the box on my bed. Since Harry, Zayn and Liam also emptied their boxes, my bed and floor was soon filled with letters, cards and packages. Harry sat at my foot, Liam on the sofa, Zayn was sitting on the floor and Niall in the wheelchair which was back in the corner. Gradually we read through all the fan mail. Most wrote me that they hoped that I will feel better soon. Or what I´ve done for them. Why they were fans. Others sent good luck charm so I came back on my feet soon. With each letter my smile grew. I hadn´t expected so much support from our fans.

After hours of reading, the boys managed to squeeze everything in two boxes which would remain here. While Liam, Zayn and Harry were talking I watched Niall who tried to balance the wheelchair and do some tricks. I saw it coming before it happened. Niall started a new attempt of balancing backwards and crashed backwards into the now empty boxes. I started laughing as Harry, Liam and Zayn still stared shocked into the chaos of boxes, wheelchair and Niall. As they understood what had happened they started laughing as well.

And just like that they gave me a piece of my will to live back ...

  
*

I sat on the couch where I had been sitting too often in the past year and a half. The sofa of Louis' hospital room. One and a half years since Louis' diagnosis. My elbow was supported on my knees and my chin on my hand. In the position I looked at the scene before me. Louis had incredibly reduced in the recent months. He just laid in bed, eyes closed and non responding. At one point the doctors had to give him one of those oxygen masks because his breathing got that bad and the hose wasn´t enough at that point. But his heart was beating. Dr. Mendler said it was weak but it was beating. And I took that as a sign that Louis would live through this. Otherwise his heart would have stopped beating for a long time. That´s what I believed.

Jay sat on the chair beside his bed, holding his hand and looked down on her son. I could tell that she was deep in thoughts. We were the only ones in the room. Our management has decided that we had to stay public and do interviews and such if we wanted so get back out there at one point. After much discussion they finally agreed that one of us would stay with Louis while the others do the PR-stuff. But only interviews. We didn´t perform since Louis' diagnosis. We didn´t sound right when Louis' voice was missing.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I noticed Dr. Mendler only when he started to speak.

"Mrs. Tomlinson. Could I have a word with you?" Jay gave me a glance, looked at Louis, back to me and back to Dr. Mendler.

"Tell me in here. Whatever it is I would tell Harry anyway." Dr. Mendler nodded, glancing at me.

"We just received a call. A hospital at the other side of the city has a heart for your son."

Incredulous I looked at Jay. We waited for half a year and now - suddelny - there was a heart for Lou ?? Jay was already in tears of joy as she looked at me.

"The hospital is four hours away from here. Our doctors are on the way to get the heart. We will prepare your son for the surgery in about three hours."

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Jay, who was full on crying now, threw herself in Dr. Mendlers arms. A little stiff he clapped Jay on her back and then left the room with a nod.

"I´ll call the family. And you can call the boys as soon as I´m back, okay? Are you staying with Lou until I´m back?" Jay had her phone in her hand as she looked at me with red eyes but a big smile. I nodded and wiped away my own tears and stood up to take Jays seat. I smiled and stroked again and again through Louis' fringe. It had grown a lot since he couldn´t go to see a hairdresser.

"I´m sure you can hear me, Lou. You´re just to weak to respond, right? But you get a new heart! In a few hours a strong heart will beat in your chest. You just have to fight one last time. For all of us. And than you can do what you love. You can run and jump and goof around as much as you want. You can travel the world again with us. You can sing again. You can show us all how strong you are. I´m really, really proud of you, Lou."

  
*

  
We had taken a whole corner in the cafeteria. The other family members or patients and doctors kept their distance from us. Despite our protests our mothers had come, too. Over the years we all became one big family. And because Louis was now in a surgery that decided over his life they wanted to come and be there for him. They were all worried about Louis. My mom sat next to me and held my hand, with the other hand in Jay´s. On his lap sat Phoebe, her twin sister sat on Lottie´s lap next to Jay. Fizzy leaned wearily against Lottie´s shoulder. She didn´t take it easy. Next to Fizzy sat Maura and Niall, Zayn and Trisha and Liam and Karen.

The only sound was the tap of my shoes on the laminate floor while I rocked nervously with my foot. Niall´s paper crackle when he returned the next candy from the snack machine to relieve his nervousness. And Zayn who restless kept standing up and sitting down again, grabbing his hair and taking out his cigarettes and putting them back in his pocket. The situation was stressing him out - like all of us. He really wanted to smoke I knew that. But he didn´t want to miss the moment when Louis was discharged from the OR.

I had never even thought that Louis really could die. The fact that he could was back in my head, there but never my first thought. I didn´t even think about it and even know I was convinced that Louis managed to survive the surgery with a new, strong, healthy heart. But he would technically die. For the short time in which his heart would be exchanged with a healty one, he was technically dead. He will only keep breathing because of a machine. And this thought hit me out of the blue. Louis would die. That was a fact.

I didn´t know how the others saw it, but it was clear for me that today was Louis' second birthday. He would be able to start over and start a new life. And I would make sure that on July 5th Louis' Birthday would be celebrated.

  
*

I had the feeling of being far away from my body. And I didn´t liked the feeling. I felt a slight pain in my chest, but couldn´t see anything nor move. Everything was dark and like being in a thick, cottony cloud. Breathing was difficult. Didn´t I had a operation? Hasn´t it worked? Oh God, what´s happening right now? Why couldn´t I feel my body? I panicked and knew that was bad if I didn´t want my heart to overwork itself.

"Mr. Tomlinson." The voice seemed familiar but was far away.

"Mr. Tomlinson, stay calm!" How ?! Something wasn´t right!

"Lou, Baby,calm down." Mum? If she was here, it couldn´t be too bad, right? I gave my best to be quiet and suppress the panic. And suddelny I could breathe freely, had control ove my body and incredible pain in my upper body hit me. With difficulty I forced myself to open my eyes. And then everything came down at once. The beeping next to my bed - obviously my heartbeat - Mum who sat relieved by my bed. Dr. Mendler stood at the end of my bed with my medical record under his arm. I couldn´t tell where exactly the pain came from. It just hurt everywhere.

"Mr. Tomlinson. We are very satisfied with the outcome of your surgery. Your body reacts very well to the new organ. How do you feel?" I cleared my throat before I replied.

"Everything hurts. But better than a couple hours ago."

"Well I send someone to give you some pain medications. During the next days we need to talk about your life. You´ll need to change your ways of living. You have a healthy heart now and need to do everything to keep it that way. But I let you wake up properly first."

"Mum, where is everybody?" I asked as Dr. Mendler had left the room and closed my eyes again.

"You´re in the ICU, baby. They don´t let anyone in here. Only if your kidneys are functioning normally again you can be moved to the normal ward. Dr. Mendler said it may take up to a week."

I nodded wearily to show her that I had been listening.

"Get some sleep, baby. The painkillers sure will work soon." I hadn´t even realized that the nurse had entered. It didn´t took long for me to be asleep again.

  
*

  
It took a week and a half until I got rid of this urin bag and was transferred to the normal ward. I felt so much better. The drugs I had been prescribed had subsided the pain gradually. Nevertheless I felt clearly where skin and chest had been cut open in order to reach my heart. But it had long become bearable. The two hoses I had also in my stomach that led to my heart and lungs to pump wound secretion from my heart and air from the lungs, I repressed. That was also the reason why my blanket stayed pulled up to my chin. I didn´t wanted to see it. To know that their were tubes going into my body was enough.

Since I was feeling better and I wasn´t as exhausted as during the months with my weakk heart, most of the time I was bored. Mum was the only one who visited me since Dr. Mendler, or rather the hospital rules, wouldn´t let anyone into the ICU except my family. But my Mum didn´t wanted my sisters to see me with all those tubes in my body. I could understand it. But she promised me to get my sisters as soon as I was moved. That´s why I was alone. My Mum was on her way to get my sisters.

Due to the many times in which I laid alone in bed, I had some time to think. My life would have to change as Dr. Mendler had said. I was forced for the first year after transplantation weekly to come to check ups. Therefore I couldnt leave London. Furthermore Dr. Mendler wanted me to stay close which also made me stay here. I couldn´t go or fly away. I need to sleep enough every day, had to sports, eat healthy and drink enough.

It shouldn´t be a problem. But I knew that our management would have a problem with it. Because of my collapse they had to cancel our tour and I would bet they would replan it as soon as I was discharged. But that wouldn´t work out with Dr. Mendler´s rules to live by. I didn´t know if the boys already knew it but I wouldn´t leave London for the next year. But I was sure that they would, just as me, make my health the first priority.

"Lou!" Niall, Liam, Zayn and Harry stormed into my room that I called mine for half an hour and stopped right before my bed. Niall had already his arms open as if to pull me into a hug, then remembered that I had a sensitive chest.

"You get the hug as soon as you´re feel better. I´m so glad you´re alive!" He called instead and patted me on the shoulder, looking for a place to touch that wouldn´t hurt me.

"Yes mate. This heart came last minute. I don´t know what we would have done if we had lost you." said Zayn.

"Told you that you wouldn´t die." Harry grinned.

"How are you, Lou?" Liam asked.

"I feel like a bus hit me. I don´t even want to think about what is inside me and my upper body hurts like hell. But I fell way better than during the last months."

And when I looked arund me now, my friends gathered around my bed, my Mum on her way to get my sisters, I was glad that I hadn´t completely given up on life and survived it after all ...

  
*

  
Relieved I left the hospital. A year ago I got my new heart. The first months were difficult. I spent weeks in rehab, learned to breath and sing all over again, had strength training and slowly got used again for long time appearanced. Weekly I visited Dr. Mendler to control my heart. Harry cleaned the whole flat while I was gone after one of the nurses told us that we had to pay a lot attention to hygiene now.

But now, a year after, the rules were finally a bit more relaxed. Dr. Mendler was satisfied with my values and from now on I would only have to come four times a year. The medication, however, would be a part of my life until I died. But I couldn´t complain. After all I was able to live a normal life.

As expected was our management not too happy about the fact that I couldn´t go back on stage as soon as I was released. Over the last months they had a lot of discussions with my doctors to find a way both parts were okay with. Management wanted me to leave London, my doctors wanted me to stay close by. I didn´t want to disappoint our fans as we are only in London for the year, but after I had apologized on Twitter, all the respond tweets were about how I should take care about me and get 100% healthy before I go back on stage and leave the UK.

Happy about the way things have gone I put the key into the lock and entered our apartement.

"Happy Birthday!" startled I winced as the loud voices greeted me. Niall, Harry, Zayn and Liam were in the living room, the lights dimmed, the boys behind a chocolate cake with one candle. The four guys were all wearing party hats and looked at me expectantly, obviously enthusiastic about their idea.

"Thank you. But my birthday is in december. In 6 months." I had no idea what was going on here but I couldn´t stop staring at the cake. The complete last year I hadn´t touched anything unhealthy and - man! - I missed that.

"A year ago today you get your new heart. Accordingly you have your first birthday today." Harry explained.

"Wheter you like it or not you´re going to celebrate your birthday twice a year." told me Zayn.

"Because we are really glad that we haven´t lost you." added Liam and Niall threw himself without words in my arms. I was overwhelmed by the idea of my friends. It showed me once more that I had made the right decision to keep my will to live and that I´m really loved.

When I felt the tears in the corners of my eyes also the three others came over and hugged me and Niall in a group hug. Later, when we were all sitting on the couch with a piece of cake and Niall forced me to wear a party hat as well I knew - yes, my life was definitely the way it should be.


End file.
